5 Lessons from Lollapalooza 2013

1. Bare bellies are back in style. Crop tops are so “hot” right now, and you don’t have to be skinny to pull it off.  You do, however, need an utter lack of modesty and an adventurous spirit, insofar as defending yourself against lascivious looks and anonymous drunken groping can be regarded as a fun adventure.  Also trending are hippie headbands (never a bad choice),  and high waisted shorts that show off your butt cleavage. Which has only ever happened to me on accident, by wearing ill-fitting shorts that ride up because they are cheaply made. Now, much like overalls (see #4) and the rest of the soon-to-be-regrettable wardrobe choices showcased at the festival, this look is called “fashion.”

2. Always wear a cape. This will result in instant friendship with dozens of similarly costumed attendees at the festival, and will give you an air of authority. Evidence: a man in a cape told me to if I took off my shoes, I’d be so much happier. I did not feel unhappy at the time, but I felt compelled to obey. And I really did feel marginally happier, until I walked across a gravel section of the park. However, I have no regrets.

3. A fun thing to do is to wear a tank top featuring a cat in sunglasses, and then look for other people in cat shirts and shout “cat shirt” at them until they acknowledge you or are no longer within shouting distance. Give yourself 5 points for every thumbs up, 10 for a high five, and -25 for every person who threatens to call security, and -50 for every child you cause to cry.   At the end of the day, tally up your points and see how much happiness you contributed to the world. My score: let’s just say it was worth it.

3. Don’t sell ecstasy. Or if you are selling ecstasy, don’t advertise it by loudly shouting a slang term for the drug.  There are better ways to get famous.   Also not advisable: trying to enter a festival illegally while carrying heroin in your pocket. Next time, sell your heroin and buy a ticket, dummy.

4. Overalls never look good. Especially if you are a man, and they are short overalls. I cannot emphasize this enough. Unless you are a musician with MAD banjo skills, just don’t, ok?

5. If the Cure makes you sad, leave your friends and go see Phoenix. Dancing alone, at twilight, among strangers, is the most liberating and joyous way to experience music. Here are some of the magical things that might happen:

– a girl might hand you a sparkler

– another girl’s sparkler might die prematurely, at which point you will offer her your sparkler, and she might think you are just showing off and pretend to be excited for you. then her boyfriend might gently intervene and facilitate the exchange. at this point, another stranger who observed this interaction might tap you on the arm and say “you’re good,” which will confuse and flatter you. you will thank him and gracefully hop-dance away.

– in dancing toward another location, you might playfully stutter step in front of a couple trying to move in the opposite direction, and the lady might laugh and pinch you on the butt

– you might get offered a high five from a young man who is lying on the ground, and instead of high fiving him, you make him get up and dance to show him how fun life is. you should hope he is not very drunk, because that might make him puke.

– you will definitely have a really great time and feel super glad to be alive.

So that is what I learned from Lollapalooza 2013. If you remember anything from this blog, remember the overalls thing. It’s probably the most valuable piece of advice I’ve ever given.

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